TW Mental Health

So I thought today was a appropriate day to blog about this but dont worry this is going to be the first and last blog all about mental health. 

The reason today was a good day to write about this I have started to get the messages again.

"I knew you didnt wat to be friends, at least you could tell me"

"Are you doing okey ? You are a bit quiet."

"Are you mad at me ?"

And so on...

I do want to be your friend, no I am not doing so good and no I am not mad at any of you.

I have CPTSD and Struggle with depression.

But lets take it sorta from the top, all tho I will never go in to spessific about why I got diagnosed with CPTSD and the events that led up to that.
I am in fact going to talk about how that effects in everyday life.

So first of all because my brain have had life long state of fight and or fligth. I have developed a svere mucle tension in my pelvic and back mucles that has effected my nervous system so its on high alert.

When you add the fact that I have endometriosis and may have adenomyosis the doctors can't say that I have it but cant say that I dont have it eighter because its hard to diagnose.

So the week before, the week during and the week after my period got so bad becuse of my mucle tension my nevroulogical issue aaand the endo and adometriosis.

 I was in severe pain could not eat could not move in any way that affected my pelvic I had a fever and slept most of the time. No pain killer that was not a mucle relaxant could help. I took alot of wierd medical tests to figure out what the problem was and am now on the pill so that I dont have my period.

If you have been watching my stream from the start you have probably witness my pain on stream.

 I do still have pain but it's normally not that severe. So with the physical problem under sorta control the mental stuff came to the surfase. When one has CPTSD there are several things that can provoke a trauma attack, it can be a colour a smell a word a place a person and so on you get the jiff.

Some of my triggers are places the colour red, red cars some people and other stuff.

But I would never ask people to alter anything or always worry about my triggers this is my problem and I need to work with my triggers. So in my opinion we take this trigger warning ting way to faar at times, we have to work on our own triggers that is not the publics job to do. 

So as I said when the worst part of my pain dissaperd my depression tok place and got really bad. I struggeld with feeling anything! I sufferd in silence and it just got worse and then a close person who I love so much would not stop telling me that I needed to talk to them so I opened up to him about my Sui(idal thoughts. He reacted with asking if I had any idea what this did to him ? And not long after this I did not hear from him at all for more than a month so I got alot worse and planed it and made arrangements for my stuff and animals, wrote leathers and acted like everything was okey so my family and other ppl would not worry the last of my time here. Cus I know how that feels like, worring for the life of someone you love I have been there my self for so many years. 

But, my brother and his gf noticed that something was very off, he told me to pack my overnight things becuse they were going to pick me up. Up untill now i was okey with my desicion and it felt right and I was at peace and content I had no worries because dead menn have no worries right ? 

But they picked me up and drowe to their house, they have a Staffordshire terrier and she was soo happy to see me we cuddled on the floor and my world fell appart and I started to feel agian. 

She was a light in my days there my connection to emotions, she grounded me.

The whole time I stayed there my brother and his gf told me that the only time they saw me truly happy or engaded in conversations was when we talked about dogs. And I told them that i had been thinking about it for many years but was scared that I was not up to it. And after alot of talking about it I started looking for a dog and I found Millie (Mille Norwegian name) She was located  way south in the contry and the breeder (for a lack of a better word) said she really wanted to sell me Mille. So It was set in motion, my brother helped me to reserve her because i had no income for a hole month.

I had to head back home and with my emotions in tact again that was really hard. 

But the thought of getting Millie home gave me so much hope and excitement.

All in all I drowe down and got her, it felt like a real achievement driving across country alone to get MY new puppy. getting home with my new darling puppy was an amazing feeling and a pure blizz. She is now my whole world and just wakeing up with her every morning is the best feeling EVER and I love her so much. And i now need to live for her, she gives me so much joy and a feeling of the fact that I am able to do SOMETHING right. She such a good girl <3 

But to the beginning of this really long blog I am struggeling being stressed and down again cuz that is how depression works right ? Being without money for a month and getting ready to not be in this world no more, bills dont mather. So now I am in svere stress because of finacial problmes. The only reson i get anything done is my car, thats how i manage to get out of the hose to get groceries and get to appointments with psychologist and so on. When the car was given to me i told the person who bought it that i can not afford a car but he said not to think about it cuz he would fix insurance and so on. But he did not so now I am in debt to a friend of mine for the insurance and am behinde on bills and my car wont make it much longer. And worse of all Millie is now 16 weeks old and have not been to her 12 week appointment at the vet and I just feel so hopeless and the feeling of not being able to do anything right creeps up on me again. So this is now why i am so distant and reclusive. 

But my world is not broken because Mille is here making my world all kinds of magical. 

Just be patiant with me I need to get thru this rought path. 

And sorry for a long and tedious blog haha

If you read all this way thank you so much and I hope I did not ruin your day with my shit . 
Next blog will be much more positive, I promise haha 

✨ Res ✨